I'm ignoring a few lines in this chapter: This one---"He wanted them both." and this one--- "She screamed for revenge and he shut her up by kissing her quite soundly. " Both are very bad and you should cut them out.
On the other hand, you should go further with he "He realized that he knew nothing about Toryn... and suddenly he wanted to know more."
Too much het in this chapter *splashes with unholy water* but still fun with Toryn and Alyn's scene at the end there :)
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Date: 2008-11-19 05:33 am (UTC)This one---"He wanted them both." and this one--- "She screamed for revenge and he shut her up by kissing her quite soundly. " Both are very bad and you should cut them out.
On the other hand, you should go further with he "He realized that he knew nothing about Toryn... and suddenly he wanted to know more."
Too much het in this chapter *splashes with unholy water* but still fun with Toryn and Alyn's scene at the end there :)